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Chapter 3 (continued)
Father and Son (cont.)
Absent Fathers
In our society, most men must go to a location away from the home to work. Many men spend long hours or even days at a time away from home and away from their sons. In addition, a large percentage of households today consist of a single mother raising children. To some degree the absence of fathers from the home is a societal norm. Bieber states that a father spending little time with his son “contributes to the failure to provide the son with an adequate male model for identification.”8(p115) Nicolosi cites numerous studies showing a connection between the father’s absence and “dependency, lack of assertion, and/or weaker masculine identity” in boys.7(p34)
Moberly suggests that when a child is separated from a parent, a process of mourning may ensue. First the child protests the separation in some way. Next the child experiences despair when the parent does not return. Finally, the child detaches from the parent. If the parent does return, a process of resolving the detachment is required to restore the original attachment. If this process does not take place, or if the parent never returns, the detachment remains and the need to receive love from that parent is never met.6(p15)
If absence of the father is so damaging and if the frequency of absent fathers is so high in our society, why isn’t a large percentage of the population homosexual? Nicolosi answers this question succinctly by stating that “the primary cause of homosexuality is not the absence of a father figure, but the boy’s DEFENSIVE DETACHMENT against male rejection.”7(p34)
Based on this statement we might imagine any number of hypothetical cases where boys with absent fathers acquire a MASCULINE IDENTIFICATION and heterosexuality. One such case, suggested by Bieber, might include a father who is frequently absent. If the father and the son have a good relationship and the mother is affectionate and admiring of her husband, the son may retain a positive image of his father despite his absence, allowing for attachment and identification.8(p310-311) One could also imagine a case where a father leaves the home permanently at any time during his son’s early childhood. If the separation does not destroy the child’s willingness to trust adult males (either by father’s cruel actions or by mother’s angry devaluation of father), the son could identify with other men in his environment (real or fantasized) and use them as role models.
In this case, much would depend on the boy’s temperamental sensitivity, his perception of the situation, and the meaning he makes of what he perceives. It is possible that in the course of the separation the boy could perceive his father as cruel and frightening. As long as the hurt he receives from his father does not come to mean to him that all men are hurtful or that being a man is bad, he will be able to attach to and identify with other men at some point in the future. He may develop low self-esteem, deep insecurities and excessive guilt, but “as long as the boy remains open to masculine influence, he will eventually encounter some father-figure who will fulfill his needs.”7(p34)
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DEFENSIVE DETACHMENT: a self-protective separation from—and resistance toward attachment to—another person. This usually results from a perception that injury has been inflicted by the other person.6(p5-6)
MASCULINE IDENTIFICATION: a sense of belonging, or mutuality, with men. It seems to begin with a sense of being like father and being accepted by father,7(p27) which is later generalized into an ability to attach to other same-sex models.7(p29, 34)