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Chapter 3 (continued)
Father and Son (cont.)
Traits of Fathers
According to Nicolosi, “fathers of homosexuals are often described as detached, helpless, pouting, avoidant, uninvolved in family affairs except to interject criticism.” Some of the obvious personality problems seen in these fathers are “egocentrism, NARCISSISM, criticalness, and coldness.” Even when some of these fathers are warm and concerned about their sons, they still do not accept the son in a genuine way.7(p51-52)
Bieber described specific details regarding the attitudes of these fathers toward their pre-homosexual sons. They found that such a father was likely to have “a specifically negative attitude toward his homosexual son as contrasted with his attitude toward his other children.” They also found that the homosexual son was rarely the preferred child, in fact he is usually the least preferred. Fathers of homosexuals have the capacity for affection but do not exhibit this toward their homosexual sons. The authors do not explain whether this negative attitude from fathers to their homosexual sons began before the father learned of his son’s homosexuality or whether it may have been caused by his knowledge of the son’s sexual orientation.8(p137) Nicolosi suggests what may have been missing in these fathers: “the father’s capacity to be genuinely ‘for’ his son rather than requiring the son to meet specific expectations in exchange for acceptance.”7(p52)
The descriptions of fathers of homosexuals just given are highly critical. Remember though that most of these descriptions represent the way the homosexual son perceived his father and their relationship. For example, what a small boy perceives as “hostile” may actually be either a father who regularly and intentionally inflicts brutal physical abuse or one who—though he loves his family—has a temper with his children, or anything in between. We are probably safe to assume that fathers of homosexuals cover nearly a full range of actual behaviors and attitudes. At the same time, we can probably also assume that none of these fathers fully met the definition of SALIENCE given by Nicolosi (see chapter 1).
Remember that the definition of salience is “dominance plus nurturance.”7(p32) We might assume that there must be a balance in the application of these two traits. We might also consider that for boys who are temperamentally sensitive or who have not developed a high degree of trust, a little dominance would go a long way while a lot of nurturance might still not be enough. For such a boy, a father who is slightly under-nurturing and a little over-dominant may not be an attractive enough alternative to the safe and warm relationship with his mother. This could lead to the boy failing to make the necessary identification with his father.7(p50) This suggests that when we talk about balance, we do not mean balance in the opinion of the father but balance in the opinion of the boy’s emotions.
The types of situations that could create a lack of salience might include “the normal, ‘nice guy,’ emotionally distant, and detached type of father,”9(p46) a father’s ambivalent or contradictory attitude toward his son, a father’s lack of security in his own masculinity which might cause him to feel in some way threatened by his son, a father feeling rejected by his son and responding by pulling away, or a situational influence that causes the father to be absent or emotionally overburdened.7(p50) The two main traits that typified fathers of the homosexuals in Bieber’s study were detachment (75%) and absence (12%).8(p88) Each of these contributes to a lack of salience in ways we will describe below.
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NARCISSISM: exaggerated love of self.2(p462) Or more generally, a preoccupation and over concern with the self. The term comes from the Greek myth of Narcissus, who fell in love with his own reflection in a pool and was transformed by a god into a flower.
SALIENCE: something prominent or conspicuous, or that projects outward from or above other things.