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Chapter 1 (continued)
Role of the Father
"Father Salience"
The personal qualities of the father impact this process of masculine identification. Nicolosi uses the term “father SALIENCE” to describe a balance of dominance and nurturance, which are traits he considers necessary in a father to elicit masculine identification in his son.4(p32) Nicolosi cites the work of Ross in describing these two traits: dominance is the father’s “presence as a strong influence within the household,” and nurturance is “his warmth, availability, and empathy.”9(p32) Nicolosi also cites studies by Sears10(p31) and by Mussen and Distler,11(p32) which conclude that boys are more likely to identify with fathers who are affectionate, nurturant, and rewarding than with fathers who are cold. Because the small boy’s relationship with his mother is typically safe and emotionally rewarding, the father must possess this combination of dominance and nurturance in order to attract the attention of the boy and win his identification.4(p33)
Attachment to Father
At the same time the boy is developing an interest in becoming like his father, he is also developing a desire to be accepted by his father. This has been described as a dependence on the father receiving the boy and validating his maleness.4(p27) The boy longs for this type of union with his father, which has been described as “father hunger,”12(p30-31) and if he is received, will emulate his father. But if he feels unaccepted by is father, or unwelcomed by him, he will avoid identifying with him.13(p101) Obviously, this is a simplified view of what actually takes place in families. There are likely many heterosexual-identified men who were rejected or abused by their fathers. Similarly, there are certainly homosexually-identified men who had loving, nurturing fathers. Such exceptions will be dealt with later in this chapter.
Elizabeth Moberly points out that “it is not the availability of same-sex models but the ability to be attached to such persons that is crucial in the acquisition of a same-sex identity.”14(p48) In other words, the boy has to initiate and carry through this identification with maleness from within himself. A rejecting father can discourage the boy from doing so, but some boys will accomplish it anyway. Likewise, a kind father may invite the boy’s identification, but the boy may still never initiate the process. The mother’s influence is also vital in this shifting of identification. She must allow the change to occur by letting the boy go, accepting and affirming the boy’s masculinity, and respecting the masculinity of the father.4(p84-85)
In addition to facilitating the process of masculine identification, a strong relationship between a boy and his father fills the boy’s needs for love and acceptance from this stronger male figure and gives him someone he can depend upon.14(p5) Furthermore, a good relationship between father and son provides the boy with personal confidence, the ability to be independent, assertiveness, and a sense of personal power.4(p44) Joe Dallas states that if a young boy’s perception of the father’s attitude is favorable, the boy will gain confidence, which allows him to relate easily to the various males who will come into his life in the future, including brothers, mentors, teachers, and male friends. Dallas calls this “an emotional baton [that] is passed between the significant males in a boy’s life.”13(p158)
Boys learn how men do things from their fathers. Physical activity, or doing things together, seems to be the basis of father-son relationships. According to Nicolosi, this results in a “behavioral, bodily phenomenon of identification” that is carried into adult same-gender relationships that are also based on “doing.” Part of what the boy learns about masculine activities from “doing” with his father is that “danger can be fun and exciting.”4(p38-39) This becomes an important trait later as the boy begins to compete with other boys.
Nicolosi describes fathers as “the reality principle.” The father is the first influence or intrusion of the outside world in the exclusive relationship between mother and son. The father represents “strength, independence, and mastery of the environment.”4(p37) During infancy, most boys receive unconditional warmth and nurturance from the adults around them. But later in childhood, during the time boys are beginning to identify with their father, expectations and demands are being placed upon the child. Many of the activities boys do with their fathers require the boy’s conformance. He must “keep up with daddy,” or “throw the ball,” or “hold the hammer.” These are the requirements for relating with dad and they teach the boy to balance his own needs and desires with the expectations and demands of the outside world. They bring the boy into reality. This ability to balance internal needs with external expectations seems central to masculinity.4(p37-38, 40-41)
A related developmental task is that of achieving autonomy. Autonomy simply means independence, or being directed from within yourself. For autonomy to be learned it must be allowed, encouraged, and reinforced by both parents. The formation of an autonomous identity and the formation of gender identity occur at about the same time and are considered highly interrelated.4(p33)
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SALIENCE: something prominent or conspicuous or that projects outward from or above other things.